I Keep Getting Ghosted, What Am I Doing Wrong?
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Dear Skins Sexual Health,
I’m not even sure where to start with this, but here goes. I keep getting ghosted, and it’s starting to really get to me. I’m active on all the usual dating apps, even some of the more niche ones for swingers and open-minded people. I’ve put real effort into my profiles, tried to be upfront about what I’m looking for, and I always try to be friendly, respectful, and genuinely interested when I talk to someone. But again and again, it’s the same pattern: we match, we chat for a bit, sometimes things seem to be going well, maybe even talk about meeting and then out of nowhere, they just disappear.
It’s happened so often now that I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Is there something off about the way I come across? Am I saying too much too soon? Or maybe I’m picking the wrong people and not seeing the red flags early enough. I’m not naïve, I know ghosting is common but when it keeps happening over and over, it’s hard not to take it personally.
I guess I’m just tired of feeling like I’m putting myself out there and getting nothing back but silence. Any advice on what might be going wrong, or how to deal with this without it completely wrecking my confidence?
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for opening up so honestly and I mean that. It’s not easy to sit with rejection, let alone try to make sense of it when it comes in the form of a disappearing act. Ghosting is an emotional sucker punch at the best of times, but when it keeps happening, especially across multiple apps and platforms, it stops feeling like bad luck and starts to feel personal. Like something must be off and you just can’t see it.
You’re showing up on all the dating and swinger apps, putting in the effort, being open-minded, doing all the “right” things. So when the outcome keeps repeating itself, short bursts of connection followed by silence, it’s no wonder your confidence has taken a hit. It’s not just frustrating, it’s genuinely disorienting. You start doubting every message you’ve sent, wondering if you came across the wrong way, or said too much, or not enough.
Let’s unpack it properly. Because the truth is, while ghosting is often about the other person’s inability to handle honesty or discomfort, there can be patterns worth reflecting on. Not because you’re doing anything inherently wrong, but because dating (especially in online and alternative spaces) operates on such strange, unpredictable terrain. And if you're showing up with clarity and care, but attracting people who vanish, it's fair to ask: Why?
When the Disappearing Act Becomes the Norm
Ghosting isn’t new, but the frequency with which it's happening to you, across dating and swinger apps suggests something deeper might be going on. It’s not just the occasional flake; it sounds like a recurring pattern. One that’s left you feeling like you’re shouting into a void.
This can be especially maddening in non-traditional dating spaces, like swinger apps or more fluid matchmaking platforms. People are often chasing very specific fantasies or immediate gratification, and as soon as things start veering into real connection, even just conversational, some disappear. Not because you did anything wrong, but because they never intended to stick around. That’s the unfortunate reality, many users on these platforms aren’t looking to build anything lasting, not even mutual respect.
But it’s not just about intent, pacing plays a role too. If you tend to get into intense conversations quickly, that can either spark genuine connection or prompt someone to bail. It depends who you're talking to, and what they're after. A surprising number of people are only prepared for shallow interactions, even when they're on apps that encourage openness. That contradiction can be really hard to navigate.
You also mentioned putting real effort into your profile and interactions, which, to be honest, might be part of the issue. Some people swipe endlessly without reading bios. Others are only half-present when they match, doing it out of boredom, habit, or curiosity. If you're coming in with intention and they're not, the result is often a mismatch in emotional energy. And sadly, that mismatch often leads to ghosting.
Is There Anything You’re “Doing Wrong”? Maybe, But Not in the Way You Think
First things first: you're clearly not showing up in bad faith. You're trying, you care, you're respectful and those are solid foundations. But there might be a few unintentional habits or blind spots worth exploring. Not to criticise, but to help you regain a bit of agency in all this.
1. You might be over-investing too early.
If you’re excited about a match and especially if you've had a few vanish recently, it’s easy to go all in quickly. Long messages, frequent replies, maybe even nudging towards plans after just a short back-and-forth. It’s well-intentioned, but people can interpret that as pressure, or feel they’ve revealed more than they wanted to. A good rule of thumb is to match the other person's pace, at least early on. If they’re giving short replies or disappearing for hours, maybe let that guide your expectations before you lean in more deeply.
2. The clarity in your profile might be attracting the wrong crowd.
Odd as it sounds, being upfront about what you're looking for, especially in alternative or swinger spaces can attract people who just want to test boundaries or dip their toes in. They may be drawn to your honesty but not ready to match it. It's a cruel irony. Sometimes the more transparent you are, the more you attract those who aren’t.
3. You may be misreading engagement as interest.
This is a tough one, because messaging chemistry can be misleading. People are good at banter. They're not always good at showing consistent intent. It’s easy to mistake a few flirty texts or emojis for momentum, but unless they’re putting in the effort to actually build something even just a basic meet-up then chances are, they’re not serious. If you find that conversations keep circling but never progress, it might be worth asking directly if they’re looking to meet or just chat.
How to Approach This Differently, Without Losing Yourself
You don’t need to overhaul who you are. But a few subtle shifts might help cut down on these frustrating ghosting cycles, or at least help you recover from them with a bit more ease.
1. Filter for effort, not fantasy.
Instead of leaning into chemistry, try leaning into consistency. Does the person message back without huge gaps? Do they ask about you, not just sex or scenarios? Are they moving things forward, or circling the same shallow dynamic? This isn’t about being cynical, it’s about guarding your energy and trusting the red flags the first time they show up.
2. Create low-stakes exits.
This sounds small, but sometimes the way we interact makes it harder for the other person to be honest. If you're already warm and eager, they may feel uncomfortable saying “hey, I’m not feeling it.” Instead, build space into conversations for honesty: say things like “No worries if you’re not into this, just let me know either way.” That one sentence, casually offered, can invite someone to be real rather than vanish.
3. Reflect, but don’t self-blame.
This one’s important. Self-reflection is good, but only if it leads to understanding, not punishment. You're not being ghosted because you're undesirable or wrong for this space. More likely, you’re just more present than most of the people you're meeting. And while that hurts now, it’s actually a strength in the long run.
Even if They're a Bit Tangled
Look, I know this isn't what you signed up for. You’re showing up, you’re trying and it hurts like hell when people just vanish on you. It feels like a betrayal of the time you gave, the openness you offered, the real human behind the screen.
But please don’t twist yourself into knots trying to “fix” something that might not be broken. The truth is, being ghosted again and again usually reflects more about the emotional flakiness in dating culture, especially online, than anything lacking in you.
If anything, your struggle tells me you care. You want connection that isn’t flimsy or fake. That’s rare, especially in the kinds of spaces where everyone’s got five conversations going and one foot already out the door.
So no, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I think you’re operating in an emotionally unpredictable landscape, and you’re trying to make real things happen in it. That’s brave. It’s also bound to feel a bit lonely at times.
But here’s the upside, if you keep being real, and learn how to spot the emotionally unavailable types faster, you'll start attracting better fits. People who can match you not just in chemistry, but in intent.
Until then, try to ghost-proof your heart a little. Not by closing it off, but by being selective about where you place it.
