How Do I Bring Up Sexual Health In a New Relationship?
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Navigating intimacy, desire and connection isn’t always straightforward. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, dating around, or figuring out what feels good on your own terms, sex can bring up all sorts of questions and not all of them are easy to Google or you don't get a straight answer. That’s where we come in.
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Dear Skins Sexual Health,
I've recently started seeing someone new, and things are going really well so far. We’ve got great chemistry, we’re getting more comfortable around each other, and I can see this turning into something more serious. Naturally, things are beginning to move in a more physical direction, and before we go any further, I want to have an honest conversation about sexual health.
The thing is, I’ve never really had to initiate this kind of discussion before. In past relationships, it either happened casually or not at all, sometimes because we were already exclusive, or sometimes because we both just assumed everything was fine. But looking back, I realise that was probably naive. I want to do things differently this time, but I’m not entirely sure how to go about it without making it awkward or making the other person feel like I’m questioning their past.
I’m not looking to get into every detail of their sexual history, but I would like to know if they’ve been tested recently, whether there’s anything I should be aware of, and ideally, share my own status too. I just don’t want to come across as overly cautious or kill the mood.
What’s the right way to bring up this conversation? Is there a good time or way to phrase it so it feels natural and respectful? I genuinely care about this person and want to build trust early on, but I also want to be responsible about our health. How do I balance those things without making it seem like a confrontation or a lecture?
Dear Curious but Cautious,
It’s great that you’re even asking this, seriously. Wanting to approach the conversation with thoughtfulness and care shows a lot about the kind of partner you’re aiming to be. So many people avoid this topic altogether, not because it’s unimportant (it’s hugely important), but because it’s awkward and we’re often unsure of how to bring it up without derailing the moment. But you’re right to want to do things differently this time, and I think that speaks volumes.
Let’s break it down a bit.
It’s Not About the Past, It’s About the Present
One of the most common traps people fall into with sexual health talks is assuming they’re about digging up someone’s past. But that’s not what you’re aiming for here, and it’s good that you’ve already made that distinction in your head. This is less about numbers or stories and more about sharing up-to-date information and setting a standard of honesty and care going forward.
Framing it that way makes a real difference. You’re not asking, “Who have you been with?” You’re saying, “Here’s where I’m at, and I’d like to know where you are too, just so we can both feel safe and relaxed.”
That mindset shift helps not just you, but also the person you’re with. It takes the edge off and prevents the conversation from feeling like some kind of inquisition or a test they have to pass.
Finding the Right Moment
This part matters more than people realise. You mentioned not wanting to kill the mood, and that’s fair, mid-passion isn’t the ideal moment. But you also don’t want to leave it too late. The sweet spot is when there’s already some emotional intimacy, and before things escalate physically.
That might be after a few dates, or when the subject of contraception or exclusivity comes up naturally. Some people wait until they’re back at one another’s place and about to get physical but I’d argue that’s cutting it a bit close. It’s harder to have the conversation clearly and calmly when adrenaline’s already in the room.
Instead, look for a quieter moment. Maybe when you’re chatting over dinner or taking a walk. It doesn't need to be a big “Can we talk?” type of moment. You could say:
“I know this might sound a bit awkward, but I’d like us to have a quick chat about sexual health before things go further. I’ve been tested recently and everything came back clear, have you had a chance to check in lately?”
Simple. Direct. You’re not preaching, you’re just opening the door.
If It Feels Awkward, That’s Fine
A lot of people get stuck waiting for the conversation to feel “right.” But honestly, these kinds of chats rarely come with a perfect lead-in. They’re supposed to be slightly uncomfortable, that’s just the nature of being vulnerable and responsible at the same time.
The good news is, awkwardness doesn’t last forever. It usually dissolves the moment both people realise it’s not a trap, or a judgement. If you’re nervous, it’s okay to say so. That kind of honesty is actually disarming in a good way. Something like:
“This feels a bit clunky to bring up, but I’d rather feel slightly silly now than uncertain later.”
That kind of comment actually softens the conversation. It makes it feel human.
And of course, be ready to listen. Everyone comes to this topic with different experiences, and not everyone has had positive ones. Some people feel embarrassed, or ashamed, even if they’re completely healthy. If your partner reacts with hesitation or discomfort, that doesn’t always mean they’re hiding something. Sometimes it just means they’ve never had this conversation before or if they have, it didn’t go well.
What matters is how they respond once they’ve had a moment to take it in. If they’re open, even if a little nervous, that’s a good sign. But if they deflect, make jokes, or refuse to engage at all, that’s something to sit with.
You Set the Tone By What You Share
You mentioned not wanting it to feel like a confrontation or a lecture, and that instinct is exactly right. One of the best ways to avoid that is to offer your own information first. Lead with your experience.
“I had a full screening about three months ago, everything was fine, and I’m happy to go again if it makes you feel more comfortable.”
That immediately shifts the energy. It says you’re not here to accuse or cross-examine, you’re here to make this a shared thing. And that’s the goal, right? You want to move into this next phase of the relationship as teammates, not adversaries on opposite ends of an awkward chat.
If you haven’t been tested recently, maybe do that before bringing it up. That way you’re not just asking, you’re showing. And it avoids the risk of the conversation being theoretical rather than practical.
What If Something Comes Up?
This is the part that worries people, but let’s be honest, it’s not the end of the world if one of you has had an STI in the past or currently has something that requires discussion. Many are treatable. Some, like herpes or HPV, are more about management and awareness than anything else. The key thing is honesty and handling it with maturity.
If your partner tells you something unexpected, take a breath. You’re allowed to feel surprised or unsure. You don’t need to pretend you’re totally unfazed if you’re not. But try to focus on how they’ve handled it. Are they being upfront? Responsible? Informative?
That tells you far more about their character than whether or not they’ve ever had an STI.
Keeping It Part of the Relationship, Not Just a One-Off Talk
Sexual health isn’t just a door you knock on once. Even if you’re both clear now, things change. People travel, use different birth control, get regular screenings, it all evolves. That’s why it helps to normalise this topic early.
Make it something you can revisit without drama. Just like you’d talk about health in general - dentist visits, exercise, whatever. If you start now with a calm, balanced conversation, you’re laying the groundwork for that openness to continue.
And one last thing: by taking this seriously, you’re not just protecting yourself. You’re also showing the other person that you value them, that you respect both of you enough to prioritise clarity over convenience.
That might not be the sexiest sentiment but in the long run? It’s one of the most attractive.
