I Haven't Pulled For Over a Year, How To Get Confidence Back?
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Dear Skins Sexual Health,
I'm seeking your best advice as I've been single for a while now, and I’m starting to feel really stuck when it comes to dating or even just attracting any interest. It's been over a year since I had sex or had any kind of romantic success, and honestly, it’s starting to wear on me.
I don’t know if it’s something about me that’s changed or if it’s just bad luck, but either way, my confidence has taken a real hit. I’ve noticed I don’t really try anymore, I shy away from flirting, avoid situations where I might meet someone, and even when I do get the opportunity, I overthink everything or freeze up.
It feels like I’ve forgotten how to be that confident version of myself. I don’t know how to get back to that place.
How do I rebuild my confidence, especially when it feels like I’ve had no validation for so long?
Dear Ms. Horny Ghost,
Firstly, you’re not alone in this. Feeling like you've hit a dry spell, romantically or otherwise, is far more common than most people admit. Life isn’t always full of sparks and spontaneous dates, no matter what social media might try to suggest. That said, when a year goes by and nothing seems to shift, it’s easy to start doubting yourself. Confidence can slip away quietly, almost without notice, and then suddenly feel impossible to get back. But it isn’t impossible. Not by a long stretch.
Let’s get into this properly and figure out what might be holding you back, and how you can begin to feel like you again, not some version of yourself stuck in pause mode.
Understanding the Confidence Dip
When you haven't had a romantic success in a while, it’s natural to start wondering if something’s wrong with you. That slow drip of doubt, over weeks or months, can start to feel like a flood. But the truth is, confidence doesn't vanish because you’re unattractive or incapable of connection. It fades because we stop reinforcing it.
Here’s the thing - confidence is a bit like a muscle. If you don’t use it, it weakens. It’s built on repetition, on micro-successes, on those small moments where you feel seen or desirable or even just content in your own skin. And if you've spent a year without that kind of feedback - maybe no dates, no flirtations, not even a second glance across a room, then of course you're going to feel off your game.
Also, not pulling isn't just about looks or personality. Timing, environment, mental state, all of it plays a critical role. Maybe your routine doesn’t offer the same opportunities anymore. Or maybe you’re unknowingly giving off the kind of energy that says “please don’t talk to me” simply because you've become so used to keeping your expectations low.
But it’s important to recognise that none of this is fixed. You’re not broken, and this isn’t some irreversible rut. It's a pause. A frustrating, drawn-out pause, yes, but one you can come out of.
Some thoughts to sit with:
- You haven't become less valuable as a person
- Romantic dry spells don't define you
- Confidence can be relearned, but it usually requires doing uncomfortable things first
Practical Steps to Rebuild Your Confidence
The word "confidence" gets thrown around a lot, as if it’s something you either have or don’t. But it’s not some magical aura. It’s the result of doing things, even small things, that remind you of your own worth.
Start with the most basic foundation: your own self-perception. Before you think about how others see you, get really honest about how you see you. Because if you’re walking into every interaction already assuming you’re undesirable, people will pick up on that energy, even subtly.
Here’s where to begin:
1. Change Your Environment
Sometimes it’s not you, it’s the spaces you're in. If your routines haven’t shifted in months, and you’re still spending weekends in the same spots with the same people, it’s no wonder things feel stale. New environments can change how you feel about yourself and how others respond to you.
- Join something. A running club, a photograohy class, even a weekly quiz night
- Try working from different cafés or public spaces if your job allows
- Say yes to things you'd usually turn down, even if you're not in the mood. Especially then
2. Improve, But Gently
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look or feel better. But the motivation shouldn’t be self-loathing, it should be self-respect. You’re not fixing yourself, you’re just giving yourself a better shot at feeling good.
- Get back into a grooming routine if it's slipped. Not obsessively, just enough to feel refreshed
- Update your wardrobe with a couple of pieces that make you feel sharp, not trendy
- Move your body. Not necessarily to get fit, but to reconnect with how it feels
And do all of it for you. You don’t need to become someone else, you just need to access the best version of who you already are.
3. Start Small With Social Interactions
You don’t need to pull right away. In fact, trying to leap from total standstill to full-blown flirtation might only add pressure. Just focus on human connection again.
- Make small talk with baristas, waiters, strangers in lifts
- Practice eye contact. A second longer than you're used to
- Smile more. It's cliché for a reason. People respond to warmth, not desperation
You might feel silly at first, or awkward. That’s fine. You’re re-learning an instinct. It won’t be flawless.
Shifting the Way You See Rejection and Success
One of the things that often trips people up after a long dry spell is the fear of rejection. When it’s been a while, rejection can feel like a final judgement, proof that you were right to doubt yourself. But that’s not how it works.
Here’s something that might feel counterintuitive: you need to start being okay with not always succeeding. Because confidence doesn’t come from winning every time. It comes from surviving the times you don’t.
Consider this:
- If you can talk to someone and not have it go anywhere and still feel okay afterwards, that’s a win
- If you can ask someone out, get a no, and not spiral into shame, that’s growth
- The goal is not to avoid rejection. It’s to remove its power over you
A simple way to shift your thinking is to focus on experience points instead of outcomes. Every social interaction, even a mildly awkward one, adds something. It’s not about pulling every weekend. It’s about becoming someone who can connect freely, without being paralysed by fear.
And remember, no one sees your full story. People don’t look at you and think, “she hasn’t pulled in over a year.” They just meet you in the moment. The only story they see is the one you’re showing right now.
Dating Again: Low Pressure, High Curiosity
Once you start to feel even a flicker of confidence return, it’s tempting to rush back into dating apps or bars and try to make up for lost time. But the truth is, that frantic energy often pushes people further away. It’s like trying to drive a car with the handbrake half on.
What might help is adjusting your goal entirely. Don’t date to find someone. Date to see who you are when you’re dating again. That shift in mindset can make all the difference.
A few ways to keep the pressure low:
- Don’t treat every conversation as a potential relationship. Just be curious
- Focus more on how you feel around someone than whether they’re impressed
- Allow things to unfold, even messily. Attraction isn’t always immediate. Sometimes it’s slow-burning
You might also find that dating apps aren’t your friend right now. They can be brutal when you’re already feeling unsure of yourself. The constant swiping and ghosting can erode whatever confidence you’re trying to rebuild. Consider limiting your time on them, or taking a break entirely while you work on in-person connection again.
The Bigger Picture
Here’s the part that doesn’t get said enough: confidence that depends entirely on romantic success will always be fragile. If you tie your self-worth to pulling, it’ll rise and fall based on someone else’s opinion. That’s exhausting. And unsustainable.
Start noticing where else in your life you do feel competent, appreciated, or comfortable. Confidence in one area can bleed into others, but only if you acknowledge it.
- Are you good at your job? That counts
- Do your friends value your advice? Also relevant
- Have you come through difficult situations and still kept going? That's strength, even if it's quiet
You’re allowed to take pride in yourself even when your love life is quiet. In fact, you should. Because the version of you that’s grounded in other kinds of fulfilment, that version will naturally attract people anyway. People can sense when you’re self-contained.
And when you're not chasing validation, but open to connection, that's when things start to shift. Maybe not overnight. But steadily.
If you’re still here reading, that already says something. You care enough to want to do better, feel better, try again. And that’s not a small thing. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself through the trial-and-error.
Confidence doesn’t come back all at once, it returns in moments. In eye contact held a little longer. In a joke that lands. In the quiet pride of walking away from a flat interaction and still liking who you are.
That’s the kind of confidence you can build on. Not loud or showy. But real.
