My Wife Wants to Introduce Sex Toys into the Bedroom?
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Navigating intimacy, desire and connection isn’t always straightforward. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, dating around, or figuring out what feels good on your own terms, sex can bring up all sorts of questions and not all of them are easy to Google or you don't get a straight answer. That’s where we come in.
Each week, we tackle real-life questions from readers like you. No shame, no assumptions, just honest, inclusive, and practical advice from people who get it. From turn-ons and turn-offs to lube, sex toys and condoms, even topics such as confidence, consent and communication.
We’re here to help you feel a little more seen and a lot more informed.
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Dear Skins Sexual Health,
My Wife and I, have been together for over 5 years now. I always felt that we have a very good sex life, we are intimate roughly 3-4 years times a week which I am defintely not taking for granted.
However, she has recently mentioned how she wants to start using sex toys in the bedroom. Am I really that bad?
Dear Worried Hubby,
First of all, I want to reassure you that the very fact you're asking this question shows how much you care. That might sound like a small thing, but in the grand scheme of marriage, caring about your partner's happiness and being willing to reflect on yourself speaks volumes.
So, let’s get straight into it. Your wife mentioning sex toys after five years of marriage isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong. It could mean a whole host of things, and not all of them point in a negative direction. Sometimes, it's just about wanting more variety. Or curiosity. Or even comfort in the relationship growing to a point where she feels she can speak more openly.
And perhaps you're feeling a mix of confusion and vulnerability right now. It's completely understandable to be caught off guard when a partner brings up something new in the bedroom, especially when it's not something you've discussed before. Maybe part of you is wondering, "Why now?" or even, "Wasn't what we had enough?"
There's a tendency to second-guess everything, to review the last few months or years and wonder if you missed some sign. Maybe you've been affectionate. Maybe you haven’t noticed any complaints. Or perhaps things have felt a bit routine lately, and now this suggestion feels like confirmation of that.
It’s not unusual to feel slightly defensive or even a bit hurt. These feelings don’t make you insecure or oversensitive, they just make you human. You're trying to piece together what this change might mean, and in doing so, it's easy to land on self-blame. But the truth is, desire and intimacy evolve, even in the most loving of marriages. And introducing something new can sometimes be more about shared curiosity than personal critique.
When Change Feels Like Criticism
It’s easy, and honestly very human, to interpret a suggestion like this as a kind of criticism. Like you’re not enough. Or like she’s comparing your sex life to something else, something you haven’t given her. That can feel unsettling.
But try to hold off from making it about your performance, or about a failure on your part. Often, requests like this come from a place of wanting to explore, not replace. Sex, even after years, doesn’t have to stay static. And when it does, that’s sometimes where boredom creeps in, not because anyone did something wrong, but because routine is just... natural.
So perhaps instead of thinking "what have I done wrong?" try asking, "what new things could we enjoy together?" It might seem like a subtle shift, but it changes everything about how you approach the conversation.
The Normality of Wanting More
Five years into a marriage, it’s completely normal for things to shift. The passion in the early stages can give way to deeper intimacy, yes, but also to patterns. Predictability. Even mild detachment sometimes. And wanting to try new things, like sex toys, doesn’t mean the emotional bond is weakening. It could mean quite the opposite.
Some couples can talk about these things without hesitation. Others feel awkward even saying the word "vibrator" out loud. That doesn’t mean one marriage is healthier than the other. But it does mean the way forward often involves a bit of vulnerability on both sides.
If she's just brought this up, chances are she’s thought about it for a while. She might have hesitated. Worried how you'd react. Maybe she feared you’d feel exactly what you're feeling now: insecure, uncertain, maybe even rejected. So from her side, it might have taken courage to bring this up.
And here’s the thing: being open to this conversation is already a show of trust between you both. Trust that your bond is strong enough to hold a slightly awkward, slightly risky conversation. And maybe that’s worth leaning into.
What It Might Actually Mean
Let’s entertain a few possibilities, just for perspective:
- She's curious. People evolve. What didn't seem interesting in the past might feel exciting now. That's not about dissatisfaction. That's about growth
- She wants to include you. Buying a toy and using it alone is one thing. Talking about it with you means she wants to explore with you and not in secret
- She's read or heard something. A friend might have mentioned something. An article, a podcast can all plant seeds in people's brains
- She wants to revive energy. That doesn't mean it's lacking, just that she's thinking ahead. Tring to keep things fresh before they feel stale
In none of these scenarios is the message, "you’re not good enough." But it’s so easy to hear that, isn’t it?
And just to add: sometimes people introduce toys because they feel safer expressing certain things through them. It becomes a buffer, in a way. Like, instead of saying "I want more intensity" or "I struggle with climax sometimes," they can say, "let’s try this" without it feeling too vulnerable.
Talking Without Defensiveness
If this has hit a nerve, it’s okay to say that. But when you talk to her about it, try to keep the focus on understanding rather than defending. That’s hard, by the way. Especially when emotions are tied up in pride, masculinity, even ego. But the goal isn’t to win the conversation, it’s to stay connected.
You could start with something like:
"When you mentioned toys, I realised I felt a bit unsure, maybe even like I was failing you somehow. But I want to understand what made you bring it up."
That kind of honesty is powerful. And it invites her to speak without having to tiptoe around your feelings. She might be relieved to know you’re open to hearing her out.
Also, feel free to express your concerns:
"I guess I just worry you’re not enjoying things with me the way you used to."
It’s not weak to say that. It's real. And realness makes space for connection.
If she reassures you and chances are, she will, then maybe you’ll both feel closer just from having that conversation, regardless of what you do (or don’t) end up trying in bed.
Exploring the Idea Together
Assuming you’re open to it, trying something new could end up being playful. Even silly. Not every attempt will be sexy. You might laugh. It might not work. You might hate one thing and enjoy another. That’s fine. The aim isn’t perfection. It’s connection. It's always best to begin to look at sex toys for beginners as these will help you ease you and your partner into the world of sex toys.
You could even make a bit of an event out of it:
- Go online together, browse a reputable shop
- Set some boundaries (what feels okay, what doesn't)
- Start small. A simple toy or idea
- Talk afterwards - what felt good, what didn't
And if you’re not ready? Say that too. Let her know you’re not rejecting her, you just need time. Maybe you can revisit the idea later. Maybe she’ll be okay with that. Maybe you’ll meet in the middle.
The point is, honesty is better than avoidance. Every time.
You’re Not Failing
The most important thing I want to leave you with is this: your wife asking about sex toys isn’t a sign you’re failing. It’s not a review of your worth as a lover or partner. It’s a conversation starter. Maybe even a strange little gift in disguise - an invitation to talk more openly, experiment, and stay close.
Long-term relationships need tune-ups. All of them. And sometimes, those tune-ups look like strange conversations in the dark, or tentative Google searches, or buying something you never thought you’d ever need.
So no, you’re not doing something wrong. In fact, by asking this question, you’re doing a lot right.
