If you’ve ever found yourself wondering "why does sex hurt for me?", you’re not alone. For many, sex isn’t always comfortable or pleasurable. It can come with pain, hesitation, or even dread, especially when penetration is involved. But because it’s such a personal and intimate topic, it often goes undiscussed.

Pain during sex can be especially difficult to talk about. Some people worry they will be judged, dismissed, or told that what they are feeling is normal and should simply be tolerated. Others may feel pressure to push through discomfort for the sake of a relationship. Over time, this silence can lead to frustration, self doubt, and a sense that something must be wrong.

The reality is that painful sex is common, particularly for women and people with vulvas. It can happen at different points in life and for many different reasons. Sometimes it appears suddenly. Other times it develops gradually. In many cases, there are clear explanations and supportive ways to improve comfort once those causes are understood.

This guide is designed to offer reassurance and clarity. It explains what painful sex is, why it happens, and what options may help. That includes practical and non intimidating approaches such as using water based lubricants, exploring pelvic relaxation, or gradually building comfort with tools like vaginal dilators. The aim is not to overwhelm you, but to help you feel informed, supported, and less alone.

 

What Is Dyspareunia?

Dyspareunia is the medical term used to describe persistent or recurring pain during sex, most often associated with penetration. While the word itself sounds clinical, it refers to a very real and personal experience that affects many people at some point in their lives.

Pain linked to dyspareunia can occur before sex begins, during penetration, or after sex has finished. It may be felt at the entrance of the vagina, deeper inside the pelvis, or in both areas. The sensation can range from mild discomfort to sharp pain, burning, tightness, or a deep aching feeling. Some people experience it every time they have sex, while others notice it only in certain situations.

There is no single way dyspareunia feels, and no single reason it occurs. For some, the cause is physical, such as vaginal dryness, hormonal changes, or muscle tension in the pelvic floor. For others, emotional factors like anxiety, stress, or past experiences may play a role. Often, it is a combination of both physical and emotional influences.

It is important to understand that dyspareunia is not a diagnosis on its own. It is a term used to describe a symptom. It does not define you, your body, or your sexual ability. It simply acknowledges that something about sex is currently uncomfortable or painful.

Experiencing pain during sex does not mean you are broken or that you have failed in any way. It means your body is responding to something that needs care or adjustment. With understanding, patience, and the right support, many people find that comfort improves over time.

In the sections that follow, we will look more closely at what dyspareunia can feel like, what commonly causes it, and what practical steps and supportive tools may help you move forward with greater confidence and ease.

 

How Common Is Dyspareunia?

Is Painful Sex Normal?

Painful sex is far more common than most people think. Research and patient reporting suggest that a significant number of women and people with vulvas experience pain during sex at some point in their lives. Some estimates place this as high as one in three.

Despite how common it is, many people still believe they are alone in this experience. Sex is often portrayed as effortless and pleasurable at all times, which leaves little room for honest conversations about discomfort. When real life does not match those expectations, people may feel confused or worried.

While painful sex is common, that does not mean it should simply be accepted or endured. Discomfort during sex is a signal from the body. It is something worth paying attention to, even if the cause turns out to be relatively simple.

In many cases, pain improves when people make small adjustments, such as slowing down, using lubrication, reducing pressure, or learning more about how their body responds to arousal.

Why It Often Goes Unreported

Dyspareunia often goes unspoken for several reasons. Embarrassment is a major factor. Talking about sex can already feel awkward, and adding pain into the conversation can feel even harder.

Some people worry they will not be taken seriously. They may fear being told that the pain is normal, that they just need to relax, or that it is all psychological. Others worry about disappointing a partner or creating tension in the relationship.

There is also a lack of education. Many people are never taught what comfortable, pleasurable sex should feel like, or what options exist if something feels wrong. Without the language or knowledge to describe their experience, people may struggle to ask for help.

All of this contributes to painful sex being far more common than it is discussed.

 

What Does Dyspareunia Feel Like?

Pain during sex is not a single sensation. It varies widely from person to person, and even from one experience to the next.

Surface Pain vs Deep Pain

One helpful way to describe dyspareunia is by where the pain occurs.

Surface pain is felt at the entrance of the vagina or around the vulva. This type of pain often feels sharp, burning, stinging or raw. It may happen as soon as penetration is attempted, or even with light touch. Surface pain is commonly linked to dryness, sensitivity, irritation, or pelvic floor tension.

Deep pain is felt further inside the pelvis. It may feel like pressure, cramping, aching or a bruised sensation. This type of discomfort is often associated with deeper penetration or specific positions.

Some people experience one type of pain, while others experience both. Understanding where the pain occurs can help guide which remedies or support options may be most helpful.

Types of Sensations

People describe painful sex in many different ways, including:

• Burning or stinging sensations
• Sharp pain during entry
• Deep aching or throbbing
• Tightness or a feeling of resistance
• Pressure or cramping
• Discomfort that continues after sex

Pain can also be influenced by emotional factors. Anticipating pain can cause muscles to tense, which can increase discomfort. This does not mean the pain is imagined. It simply reflects how closely the mind and body are connected.

 

Physical Causes of Dyspareunia

There are many physical reasons why sex may feel painful. Some are temporary and easy to address. Others may require professional input. Understanding these possibilities can help remove self blame and open the door to practical solutions.

Vaginal Dryness and Hormonal Changes

Vaginal dryness is one of the most common contributors to pain with penetration. When there is not enough natural moisture, friction increases and delicate tissues can become irritated.

Hormonal changes play a significant role in this. Lower oestrogen levels during perimenopause or menopause can lead to thinner, drier vaginal tissue. After childbirth, particularly during breastfeeding, hormone levels can also remain low, making dryness more likely.

Other contributing factors include stress, fatigue, certain medications, and some forms of hormonal contraception. Even arousal patterns matter. Many people need more time and stimulation to become physically ready for penetration than they realise.

Remedies that may help:

• Water base lube to reduce friction and increase comfort during sex
• Silicone based lube for longer lasting moisture, particularly helpful for ongoing dryness
• Vaginal moisturisers used regularly to support tissue hydration outside of sex
• Taking more time with foreplay prior to penetration

Using lubricant is not a sign of failure or dysfunction. It is a practical and effective way to support comfort and pleasure.

Pelvic Floor Tension

The pelvic floor is a group of muscles that support the pelvic organs. When these muscles are overly tight or tense, penetration can feel painful or difficult.

Pelvic floor tension often develops unconsciously. It can be linked to stress, anxiety, posture habits, previous pain, or simply not knowing how to relax those muscles. If the body expects pain, it may instinctively tighten in response.

This tension can feel like resistance, tightness, or a sensation of hitting a barrier during penetration.

Remedies that may help:

• Pelvic floor relaxation exercises, focusing on releasing rather than strengthening
  
• Deep breathing techniques to reduce muscle guarding
• Vaginal dilators, used to help the muscles relax and adapt to penetration
• Pelvic health physiotherapy for guided support

Dilators are particularly helpful for people who feel anxious about penetration. They allow you to work at your own pace, in your own space, without pressure.

Read more: How to Use a Vaginal Dilator

 

Medical and Health Conditions

Some health conditions can contribute to pain during intercourse. These include endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, vulvodynia, infections, scar tissue from surgery or childbirth, and digestive conditions that affect the pelvis.

Mentioning these conditions is not meant to cause alarm. Many people with dyspareunia do not have a serious underlying condition. However, if pain is persistent, worsening, or accompanied by other symptoms, it is sensible to speak with a healthcare professional.

 

Psychological and Emotional Factors

Sex does not happen in isolation from emotions. Anxiety, stress, past experiences and self confidence all influence how the body responds to intimacy.

Anxiety, Fear and Anticipation of Pain

If sex has been painful before, it is natural to worry that it will hurt again. That anticipation alone can cause the body to tense, particularly in the pelvic floor, making pain more likely.

This creates a cycle where fear leads to tension, tension leads to pain, and pain reinforces fear.

Supportive approaches include:

• Breathing exervises to calm the nervous system
• Reducing pressure around penetration, focusing on connection rather than performance

Past Experiences and Sexual Confidence

Past negative experiences can affect how safe and relaxed the body feels during sex. Even experiences that were not overtly traumatic can leave a subtle imprint on confidence and comfort.

Rebuilding trust in your body often takes time. Using supportive tools like lubricants, dilators, and guided relaxation can help create positive experiences that slowly replace fear with reassurance.

 

Dyspareunia in Different Life Stages

Painful sex can happen at any age, and often the underlying causes shift depending on where you are in life. Our bodies change, our relationships evolve, and what once felt easy may become more complicated. At times, these changes can bring about confusion or frustration, especially when they affect something as intimate as sex.

The reasons for dyspareunia can look very different depending on whether you're just starting out sexually, in a long-term relationship, recovering from childbirth, or moving through menopause. Each stage comes with its own emotional landscape, hormonal shifts, and physical realities. Understanding these contexts can help reduce self-blame and open up new ways to manage or explore your own experience.

New Relationships and First Time Sex

First-time sex or early experiences with a new partner can bring excitement, but also nerves and uncertainty. It's not unusual to feel pressure to get everything right, to perform, or to meet someone else’s expectations. This pressure, even when subtle, can lead to muscle tension, reduced arousal, or skipping over the essential step of building comfort and trust.

For many, pain during initial sexual experiences is caused by rushing into penetration before the body is ready. The vaginal tissues need time, arousal, and relaxation to allow for comfortable entry. Without these, sex can feel tight, sore, or even frightening.

Early sexual experiences are not always perfect, and that’s okay. Feeling pain does not mean you are doing something wrong. It simply means your body might need something different in that moment.

Long-Term Relationships

In long-term relationships, the dynamics of sex can change in subtle ways. Familiarity, routine, external pressures, and even life admin can shape how we connect with a partner. Over time, desire may shift, arousal might take longer, or sex may become less spontaneous. These changes are completely normal, but they can sometimes lead to mismatched expectations or unspoken frustrations.

Pain during sex in long-term relationships can develop gradually. It may be linked to hormonal shifts, stress, fatigue, or reduced novelty. Sometimes what worked in the past no longer feels right, but bringing that up can feel awkward or emotionally charged.

Here are some ways couples can support comfort and connection:

• Revisit communication about intimacy and emotional closeness
• Explore new ways to be physically close that don't centre around penetration
• Take a break from "goal oriented" sex and focus on exploration and relaxation
• Consider pelvic floor awareness if tension or pain becomes regular

In some cases, long-term discomfort may also be linked to unresolved medical issues or shifting pelvic floor health. Encouraging each other to seek support, rather than waiting for it to pass, can be a vital part of growing together through change.

Postpartum and Menopause

The postpartum period can be one of the most physically and emotionally intense times of life. After childbirth, the body undergoes dramatic changes. Whether you had a vaginal birth or caesarean section, your muscles, hormones, and even sense of self are in recovery. Many new parents feel pressure to “bounce back” quickly, including sexually, but in reality, comfort may take time.

Read more: Postpartum Sex: What to Expect and Tips for a Comfortable Experience

It’s very common to experience vaginal dryness, lower libido, or tightness after giving birth, especially while breastfeeding. Oestrogen levels remain low during lactation, which can lead to thinner vaginal tissue and reduced natural lubrication. Scar tissue from tearing or episiotomy may also affect how penetration feels.

During menopause, hormonal changes can also significantly impact sexual comfort. Oestrogen levels decline, leading to symptoms like vaginal dryness, burning, irritation or even small tears during sex. This is not just about age; it’s about biology. Many people are surprised by how much these changes affect intimacy.

In both life stages, patience is key. Healing and adjustment are not linear. But with support, pain can often be reduced and pleasure rediscovered.

 

How Dyspareunia Can Affect Relationships

Painful sex does not happen in a vacuum. When it becomes a recurring issue, it can affect how you and your partner connect emotionally and physically. While the intention is rarely to cause harm, over time, the experience of pain can create emotional distance, avoidance, or tension in a relationship.

Avoidance and Emotional Distance

If sex consistently causes discomfort, it’s understandable that someone might begin to avoid it. This can be a form of self protection, and it is completely valid. However, if it continues without discussion or understanding, it can slowly build emotional distance between partners.

The person experiencing pain might feel guilty, anxious, or inadequate. Their partner may feel rejected or confused but unsure how to help. In time, this lack of clarity can grow into misunderstandings or emotional withdrawal.

This is not about fault. It is about recognising how physical pain can quietly shape relational patterns, even with the best intentions.

Gentle, non-judgemental conversation can help shift the dynamic back toward connection. For some couples, this means redefining what intimacy looks like, focusing on non-penetrative touch or finding new ways to be close.

Talking to a Partner About Painful Sex

It is not always easy to bring up painful sex, especially if the topic feels loaded or emotional. But open, calm conversation is one of the most effective ways to maintain closeness, even when sex is difficult.

Here are some ways to start:

• Choose a neutral, relaxed time to talk, not in the middle of a sexual moment
• Use "I" statements to express what you feel without placing blame
• Let your partner know you want to work together on this
• Reassure them that intimacy still matters to you, even if it looks different right now

For example, you might say, “I’ve been experiencing pain during sex, and it’s been hard to talk about. I’d really like us to find ways to feel close and work through it together.”

Partners often want to help but may not know how. Being included in the journey can ease their own uncertainty and help reduce pressure or fear of doing the wrong thing.

 

When to Seek Professional Advice

While many people find improvement through home-based remedies, there are times when professional support is important. You should consider speaking with a GP, sexual health specialist or pelvic health physiotherapist if:

• Pain is persistant or worsening over time
• Discomfort interferes with your emotional wellbeing or relationship
• Your experience bleeding, itching or unusual discharge
• Pain is present outside of sex as well

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is a step towards comfort, clarity and feeling more in control of your body.

 

Reassurance and Moving Forward

Experiencing painful sex can be frustrating and emotionally draining, especially if it feels like no one else talks about it. But dyspareunia is far more common than it seems. Your experience is valid, and there are many tools and forms of support available to help you navigate it.

Whether you try a new lubricant, explore vaginal dilators, seek out pelvic floor physiotherapy, or simply begin to talk openly about what you feel, these are powerful steps forward.

You deserve intimacy that feels safe, consensual and enjoyable. Painful sex does not have to be your normal, and it does not have to be something you manage alone. With the right information, a bit of patience and gentle self-compassion, things can change.

It is not about fixing your body. It is about supporting it.